Sleep, rumination and the nighttime “parts” that won't clock out

I leased an electric car a few years ago and needed a charging station installed. I selected a local electric company, but days went by and they still hadn't committed to a date. One night, I awoke to a voice that said clearly: "They're not coming. You need to find someone else now." After rolling around for a bit, I got up, grabbed my laptop found another company, and committed to call first thing in the morning. Then I fell back to sleep easily.

I learned two important things from that night:

1. If that persistent voice won’t let up, I need to get up and address the issue rather than trying to ignore it

2. That voice had more clarity than I did, because the first company never did call back. What did it see that I couldn’t?

   
   

Seeing clearly in the dark

In the absence of distractions during waking hours (people, tasks, scrolling), there's room for clarity. This is why meditation, mindfulness and other quieting practices lead to powerful insights.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) works this way as well. Separating the cacophony of thoughts and emotions allows us to hear each inner-perspective one at a time and learn the wisdom they carry. This clear thinking shines a light on difficult choices and allows us to see situations as they truly are, as in the electric company.

Gremlins come out at night

The middle of the night can also invite unwelcome guests. Worry about money. Upset about your health. Regret about a conversation.

You roll over, tell yourself to go to sleep, and that voice gets louder.

Why they can’t let up

These concerned parts finally have your undivided attention, and their message is important:

• Keep you safe

• Help you avoid looking bad

• Make amends

• Deal with something that could harm you.

At night, the stakes feel higher. That's why "just stop thinking" fails.

8 tips for when rolling over doesn't help

1. Set a reminder. Sometimes a part of you is concerns you’ll forget something. Just grab your phone and ask Siri to remind you in the morning.

2. Name it. Write it. Label the voice that's demanding attention, such as Worrier, Taskmaster, Frustration, Anger, Anxiety, Sadness. Turn on the light and write down its concern, or grab your phone and record a voice. When it’s been fully heard, you should feel yourself relax.

3. Schedule a “parts” meeting before bed. At least two hours before bed, spend 15 minutes listing each concerned part of you, then commit to one next step.

4. Change the scenery. After about 10 minutes of lying awake, go in another room and do something calming, like meditating, reading or listening to relaxing music, until your system relaxes. If returning to bed doesn’t work, try sleeping in another room, or on the couch. Sometimes having your head or legs more elevated can make a difference.

5. Keep the bed for sleep, sex and any other relaxing routine, such as reading. If you read, choose a book that's boring, not exhilarating. Avoid scrolling, emails and TV in bed.

6. Follow a schedule. Wake up around the same time every day, weekends included. Try to avoid long naps, late-day caffeine and heavy meals close to bedtime.

7. Stop drinking two hours before bed. Unless it's medically necessary, skipping fluids in those last two hours means fewer sleep disruptions.

8. Know when to get more help. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a great way to understand what's really going on behind the scenes. You might also try the free CBT-I Coach app. If sleepless nights last for weeks or come with low mood, seek help from a doctor, therapist or other trained professional. In the US, call or text 988 any time.