When I was fourteen, I had a pocket calendar filled with insightful sayings. Newly motherless, I was learning to navigate the world on my own, and inspiring or thought provoking expressions helped shape my view of how to be in the world. One of the expressions that has stuck with me over the years is: “In matters of principle, stand like a rock. In matters of opinion, flow with the current.,” suggesting that unless we have a strong moral or value-based attachment to a particular view, we should make room for the possibility that our opinions could be wrong. Sounds simple enough - always be flexible and curious. But this can be a lot harder than it seems.

 

Right, no matter what

In 2016, rapper B.o.B. became a vocal proponent of the flat-earth theory—a belief that the earth is pancake-shaped rather than round, which was disproved by science over five centuries ago. Despite being shown photos from space and other scientific proof, and even a personal call from renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, B.o.B. refused to admit that he was wrong. He went so far as to start a GoFundMe page in 2021 to raise funds to prove his flat-earth theory.

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This brings me to another favorite quote from the calendar: “The fastest way to make an enemy is to tell someone they are wrong.” Once our ideas are challenged head-on, we dig in and look for proof that we are right. I once heard in a personal-growth workshop something else that stuck with me: “Humans will do anything to look good and avoid looking bad.”

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While it is good to be flexible in our opinions, we will make an enemy out of someone who tells us we are wrong just to avoid looking bad.

 

A lesson learned, the hard way

In my teens, I had a friend who, when I offered an opinion that challenged hers, would stop talking to me for days. I was so afraid of losing her friendship that I started keeping my views to myself. As I grew up, I continued to be cautious about how and with whom I shared my opinions. 

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Our beliefs about ourselves and the world begin forming in childhood, and by adulthood, they become locked into our self- and worldview, making them difficult to change despite proof to the contrary.

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Stuck in a self-view: Rick’s story

One example comes from my client Rick, from Fairfield County. He lived next to a home that caught fire during the night. Awakened by the smell of smoke, he threw on shoes and ran into the neighbor’s yard, where he encountered frantic parents whose son was still inside. Without thinking, he rushed in and pulled the child out. Praise and gratitude poured in from the parents, neighbors, and firefighters, but as Rick walked by his reflection in a car window, he heard himself say, “You’re still a piece of shit.”

This message was instilled by his father in childhood, and it shaped Rick’s future. To prove his father wrong, Rick became a philanthropist and volunteer, yet no matter what he did, his father’s voice continued to haunt him.

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Becoming unstuck
Rick’s inner-critic, shaped by childhood experiences, dominated his self-image. Even after heroic acts, his mindset remained trapped in the belief that he wasn’t good enough. Many of my life coaching clients come to me feeling stuck because of limiting beliefs that impact their confidence and self-perception. They are working in jobs they loathe, or are in unhealthy relationships that they feel powerless to change.

With a powerful approach to psychotherapy and coaching called Internal Family Systems (IFS), or “parts work,” we can become unstuck and take control of our lives in ways that make us feel happy and empowered. We have greater self-compassion, and confidence in ways we did not realize was possible.

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Change from the inside out

IFS works with the internal family—the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that shape how we see ourselves, perceive others, and view our world. We refer to them as “parts.”

Often, we become stuck in rigid self-views—feeling unworthy, anxious, or fearful—because certain parts of us are burdened by past experiences that led to limiting beliefs, like "I'm not good enough" or "I always mess up," which was the voice Rick heard in the car window, and the one I often heard when I was tempted to share my opinion.

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How it works

By engaging in parts work, we can become unstuck by separating, or “unblending,” from these parts and seeing them from the perspective of our core “Self”—a compassionate, curious, and grounded aspect of who we are. From this perspective, we can begin to transform our self-perception and create space for healing and greater self-awareness. As our parts feel seen and understood, their burdens are lifted, and our self-perception begins to shift, allowing us to move from a stuck, limited self-view to one that is more open, accepting, and empowered.

If you’re feeling stuck in unhealthy patterns or want to break free from a limiting mindset, life coaching based in Internal Family Systems can guide you toward a more empowered, confident, and fulfilling life.